A Reader Asks:

 What advice do you have for divorced men and women venturing back into the dating field after significant time away? Between the incorporation of technology into meeting people and the pressure to make better choices this time around, it feels a little overwhelming.

The topic for this week’s dating panel is checking references: how do you do it, and how far is too far?

Anonymous Female Single

When it comes to checking references, I tend to turn to one source: Facebook.

“I’m sorry, I just don’t see this going anywhere for me. It’s not you, it’s me. Thanks for going out tonight. I’ll keep you in mind. You’re a really good person.”

For some people, getting this kind of text could be infuriating. How can he break up with me like THAT?! He doesn’t call? He doesn’t explain himself? That’s it?? Avi is soo not a mentsch.What, he couldn’t tell me to my face?

This week, “The Single” puts the following question to our dating advice panelists:

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but people have different views on whether you should see a photo of a potential match before being set up with them. What do you advocate and why?

Anonymous Single

The frighteningly influential power of language and impression is showcased quite strikingly in George Orwell’s well known book 1984, where he explains that “if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought.” Assuming the premise to be true that a picture is truly worth a thousand words, we are only left to consider what those words are, and what effect they will have on their recipient. Not only may the words we choose affect our interpersonal relationships, but the specific types of words we use can even affect our long-term mood, and by extension even the physical structures of our brains.

When More is Truly Less: Finding your Rose Among the Many Thorns

I was pondering the answer to this question when I came home from a pediatrician’s office. This was a first time visit with the doctor for my five-year-old. This wasn’t the first time taking my child to the doctor’s office - I am not THAT kind of parent. I did however finally have the nerve to take the leap and try a new doctor, five years later. Not just any doctor and not just any practice. The practice that many of my friends had been raving about and pediatricians I consulted with brought their own children there. Alright, I thought to myself, this was going to be my game changer. My child was going to love this doctor. My current pediatrician was ok I thought, just so many little things kept on bothering me, maybe I could do better.

A look at common and less well-known abusive behaviors in personal relationships.

Every Jew is created in the image of G-d. With that privilege comes the expectation and right of every man and woman to be treated with respect, care, sensitivity, compassion, and love in potentially the closest and most significant relationship in their life: marriage. 

In the spirit of full transparency, I can’t say that I’ve ever dated someone I met online nor through an app, but technological advances have undoubtedly made a significant impact on my own dating and that of all of my peers. It’s a basic tenet of Judaism, and something easily observable as well, that everything in this world may be used for both good and ill. The Torah itself is compared to water by Chazal, and the Vilna Gaon explains that just as water will help whatever it is poured on to grow, be they weeds or roses, so too the Torah augments whatever is present in the person delving into it, be they good character traits or not. Some tools we are given are easier and less risky to use, while some require a little more skill and can be quite dangerous if mishandled. The depersonalization of dating, which in essence is the first repercussion of the Age of Dating 2.0, is one of those tricky things to figure out exactly how and when it can be useful.

The latest and greatest in technology has significantly expanded the dating playing field. We need to ask ourselves whether it’s fundamentally improved the dating game. Let’s explore some pros and cons.

Dating websites, dating apps, and stores of electronic resumes offer today’s singles the opportunity to date from a much broader pool both demographically and geographically. Does this mean that we have more potential marriage partners? Skype, WhatsApp, and Email make it much easier to be in contact with a date. Does that help today’s singles develop better patterns of communication? Facebook, Instagram, and Google give us more information about anybody in the world than was available just a decade ago. Does that allow us to know the person we’re dating more profoundly?

People have varied opinions about double dating, or what I’ll call more broadly multiple dating. Some think it’s cruel, dishonest, inappropriate and rude. Others believe it’s a time saver and that it helps the dating process move more quickly by providing the ability to directly compare and contrast.

In my opinion, the appropriateness of dating multiples depends on four unique and personal factors, presented here as questions.

W.H. Auden wrote that in relation to a writer, most readers believe in the Double Standard: they may be unfaithful to him as often as they like, but he must never, never be unfaithful to them. Much the same might be applied when considering the question of double dating; our heads may easily justify things for ourselves that our hearts are indignant about in others. Having dealt with this issue from the angle of both toiling single and hapless shadchan, the perspective gained, along with the attending understanding of both head and heart on the issue, my position has boiled down to that very Jewish answer of: it depends.