I imagine my life is similar to that of The Single’s random kiddush
lady. Like her, I’ve got piles of laundry, grocery shopping,
baby feedings, dinners to be made, Shabbat meals to be cooked,
reports due at work and errands to run.
Still, like her, I think to myself: “What if my effort made a difference
in the life of just one single?” What if my response to
The Single’s problem helped just one single respond differently
to just one scenario? It could change their life and the life of
their future spouse and create generations of happy families.
In my long history of dating and working with singles, I have
found that it always pays to be a mensch (nice person). You don’t
have to date anyone you don’t want to date, and you don’t have
to marry anyone you don’t want to marry, but menschlachkeit is
NOT optional. You can’t imagine the lasting impression a lack of
menschlachkeit leaves on everyone involved.
I believe we’re in agreement on this point, although we probably
defi ne our terms differently. You may think “If I smile politely
to the random kiddush woman and then move on to the
cholent, am I not being a mensch?” Maybe yes and maybe no.
Have you considered that while you were outwardly menschlich
to the shadchan, you were likely not a mensch to the suggested
match and you were possibly not a mensch to yourself?
It’s interesting. We react differently to the same suggestion,
depending on whether the person making that suggestion is a
friend, a family member, a co-worker, a mentor or a random lady
at kiddush. But does that make sense? In each instance the suggested
match is the same. While those we like and respect would
not be likely to set us up on random dates, random people can
often set us up with very likeable and respectable people.
Additionally, random people are not so random once they get
to know you a bit more, and their suggestions will improve as
they continue to interact with you.
Finally, sometimes a person’s knowing you well is counterproductive.
They might nix excellent ideas, because in some area
or another they’ve judged this match as not “good enough.”
It’s also important to remember shidduch opportunities,
however randomly placed, for what they are: opportunities. If
you were desperately looking for a job and having trouble paying
your monthly bills, wouldn’t you appreciate every lead someone
sent your way, even if the job’s not a fi t? Wouldn’t you appreciate
the time and effort they took out of their busy schedule to send
you a lead, even if it isn’t in your specifi c fi eld? Just knowing that
they were thinking of you, your well-being and your future would
make you feel cared for and loved. You’re busy, and it’s fair to assume
that those making the suggestions to you have much going
on in their lives as well, yet they took the time to think of you.
Ironically there are also many singles who have a shortage of
dating options and that can be quite depressing. They’re thinking
“How will I ever get married if I never get suggestions?” Although
you, The Single, do not personally struggle with any shortage of
options, it’s important to be sensitive to those that do.
Another note of caution. While you might not take random
lady’s suggestion seriously, there may well be merit to her suggestion.
If there is, it’s likely that a more reputable source will mention
the same idea to you down the line. By that time, you’ve
probably forgotten the exchange over dry herring, but the match
you turned down hasn’t. Relationships are a sensitive thing. People
take rejection to heart. Although you’re now excited, they’re
still smarting, and not eager to give that random guy a second
chance.
In summary, I would recommend showing genuine appreciation
to anybody who took time out of their busy lives to think
of us. Smile and give them as graceful a response as possible and
then actually take a moment to consider the person being suggested.
If you’re going to say no, it shouldn’t be a “no” to the
shadchan, it should be a “no” to the shidduch.
Dear Rivkie,