A Reader Asks:

When I describe the qualities I’m looking for in a spouse to a friend, matchmaker, or family member, I detail goals and values, what I respect and appreciate in a date, and aspects of my personality. Frustratingly, I’m repeatedly disappointed at the options that come my way. Is it me? Am I not being clear? Does that person not exist? How do I change this pattern of bad or wrong dates?

Dating coach Rachel Burnham answers your questions.

A Reader Asks:

I repeatedly find myself at this point in dating when I’m really liking the person, but now know them well enough to see their flaws as well. I’m not talking about superficial nitpicky issues or major red flags, but the sort of mid-level quirks that you know will grate on you horribly 20 years from now. It gives me an overwhelming urge to bail. My friends say I shouldn’t be letting debatable flaws influence my decision to continue a relationship, but I worry I’d be ignoring my instincts.

A Reader Asks:

 What advice do you have for divorced men and women venturing back into the dating field after significant time away? Between the incorporation of technology into meeting people and the pressure to make better choices this time around, it feels a little overwhelming.

The topic for this week’s dating panel is checking references: how do you do it, and how far is too far?

Anonymous Female Single

When it comes to checking references, I tend to turn to one source: Facebook.

“I’m sorry, I just don’t see this going anywhere for me. It’s not you, it’s me. Thanks for going out tonight. I’ll keep you in mind. You’re a really good person.”

For some people, getting this kind of text could be infuriating. How can he break up with me like THAT?! He doesn’t call? He doesn’t explain himself? That’s it?? Avi is soo not a mentsch.What, he couldn’t tell me to my face?

A little selfishness is a good thing, even in a relationship.

I grew up in a home where giving was loving. When I began dating I began giving, sometimes a bit too much; it would go either unappreciated or unreciprocated, and I’d start to become resentful. How can I learn to give in a comfortable and healthy way without compromising who I am and what I need in a relationship?

A Reader Asks:

 When I am on a date, I generally get over my nervous anticipation quite quickly, but my friends and family have told me that when I get comfortable (which I think is a good thing on a date), I get too comfortable. Apparently, I tend to let my table manners slide, for example, sometimes chewing with my mouth open. Based on this feedback, instead of focusing on my date when I am out I now can’t stop thinking about this issue.

A look at common and less well-known abusive behaviors in personal relationships.

Every Jew is created in the image of G-d. With that privilege comes the expectation and right of every man and woman to be treated with respect, care, sensitivity, compassion, and love in potentially the closest and most significant relationship in their life: marriage. 

In the spirit of full transparency, I can’t say that I’ve ever dated someone I met online nor through an app, but technological advances have undoubtedly made a significant impact on my own dating and that of all of my peers. It’s a basic tenet of Judaism, and something easily observable as well, that everything in this world may be used for both good and ill. The Torah itself is compared to water by Chazal, and the Vilna Gaon explains that just as water will help whatever it is poured on to grow, be they weeds or roses, so too the Torah augments whatever is present in the person delving into it, be they good character traits or not. Some tools we are given are easier and less risky to use, while some require a little more skill and can be quite dangerous if mishandled. The depersonalization of dating, which in essence is the first repercussion of the Age of Dating 2.0, is one of those tricky things to figure out exactly how and when it can be useful.

The latest and greatest in technology has significantly expanded the dating playing field. We need to ask ourselves whether it’s fundamentally improved the dating game. Let’s explore some pros and cons.

Dating websites, dating apps, and stores of electronic resumes offer today’s singles the opportunity to date from a much broader pool both demographically and geographically. Does this mean that we have more potential marriage partners? Skype, WhatsApp, and Email make it much easier to be in contact with a date. Does that help today’s singles develop better patterns of communication? Facebook, Instagram, and Google give us more information about anybody in the world than was available just a decade ago. Does that allow us to know the person we’re dating more profoundly?