A Reader Asks:
When I describe the qualities I’m looking for in a spouse to a friend, matchmaker, or family member, I detail goals and values, what I respect and appreciate in a date, and aspects of my personality. Frustratingly, I’m repeatedly disappointed at the options that come my way. Is it me? Am I not being clear? Does that person not exist? How do I change this pattern of bad or wrong dates?
Dating Coach Rachel Burnham Responds:
This is a common yet frustrating pattern. Here are some helpful tools:
Engage in self-discovery. Dating is an intensive process of self-discovery. As we date, we learn about ourselves and what works for us. What we wanted in the past may not be suitable today. We may discover that a completely opposite personality or background is a refreshing contrast to our own. Take note of lessons gleaned from previous dates and apply them to the future.
Would you date yourself? What I’m about to say may be challenging to hear, but it’s helpful to think about this earlier rather than later.
Would you date yourself? Seems like a funny question, but it’s important to think about. If you don’t feel you are a great catch, why should anybody else? We must feel confident, positive, and happy with who we are and how we present ourselves to the world.
We often attract the wrong person because we put out the wrong vibe. People with a negative outlook, for example, tend to attract others that are similarly negative. Even if such a person met a perky optimist, they would probably quickly turn them off. Working on our confidence and positivity is an excellent way to attract a great person. To attract love, we must make ourselves a healthy vessel to receive it. What we are is often what we attract!
Examine your expectations. Creating healthy expectations in dating allows us to be fair to ourselves and our date. Everyone deserves a spectacular spouse, but nitpicking on minutiae will destroy the possibility of a great relationship. Rethink your priorities and goals. If nobody can measure up, you’ll leave not one, but two people frustrated.
Get in touch wih your feelings. Maybe you feel great about your life, who you are, and what you have to offer, but for some reason just don’t feel ready to get married or be in a committed relationship. Maybe society, family, or friends are telling you that you need to get married, but you are not feeling ready.
It could be that fear or anxiety about marriage is standing in your way of moving forward. If this is the case, don’t ignore your inner conflict. Speak to a therapist or dating coach to work this out. That way, when you do enter the dating scene, you’ll be better prepared.
Go where you are wanted. Youmay need to broaden the possibilities of who you’re willing to date. Long term, you will be cherished, valued, and respected.
It can be that the time is just not right and your intended hasn’t yet shown up. The waiting game is painful. While you’re in it, make the most of your time. Live every moment to the fullest, so you won’t have regrets when looking back on your single days. Make sure you are doing everything to stay positive, physically and mentally healthy, and open-minded. Pray and believe that your special one will arrive. Our thoughts can create reality.
Most people can speed up this process through sincerely working on themselves. May it lead you to the shortest distance to your longest relationship!
By Rachel Burnham